It’s incredible how many people, when you announce you’re getting a divorce, finally decide to speak up and tell you that they never liked your spouse. Why did they wait until the s*!t hit the fan to tell you what they really thought? I mean, weren’t they sitting there when the minister asked if there was anyone who knew why these two people shouldn’t get married and to “speak now”?!
If you ask your friends (or God forbid your mother) they’ll tell you that they didn’t think you would listen to them. They were worried it would destroy the friendship or even break up the family. In reality, they’re probably right. But maybe, just maybe, you already had a little doubt in your mind. Almost always when you speak to someone who’s divorced she’ll tell you that right from the beginning something just didn’t feel right or her spouse exhibited some behaviors that really bothered her
Maybe you were just waiting for a sign that you needed to call it off. Maybe you just needed someone to reassure you that the money you blew on the wedding and the embarrassment of calling it off pales in comparison to the thousands more it will cost to get a divorce, not to mention the emotional toll it will take. As an FYI, the average wedding now costs nearly 27K but the average divorce costs 53K.
I’m sure during the bachelorette party someone, in a drunken stupor, might have mumbled the words “narcissist” or “egomaniac” but you chalked it off to the tequila talking. No, it requires a candid conversation in the light of day. An intervention of sorts. Someone to point out that those quirky little habits of your soon-to-be spouse that you now find charming or you think “you can fix” will become more annoying than nails on a chalkboard.
It takes both parties to honest – the friend to tell it like it is and you to get your ego out of the way and really hear what your friend is saying. Could you take off the rose-colored glasses and be willing to admit you might be making a huge mistake?
Rather than ask the question the day of the ceremony, perhaps an anonymous survey should be sent around to your guests along with the wedding invitation asking them to rate your intended spouse. The introduction could read:
“If anyone thinks this wedding shouldn’t happen but don’t have the guts to say so in church, simply fill in this anonymous survey and rank on a scale of 1 – 10 how much of a disaster you think this marriage will be.”
They could send it back separately to the minister who could review the results with you before the big day. That way no one’s put on the spot. It’s sort of the coward’s way out but hey, if it made you stop and reconsider it would certainly be worth it!